Latest News and Feature Stories
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Latest News
🎩 Man in Hat Arrested for Spurious Accusation Against Minister
By Darsley Finn, Senior Reporter for Unpleasantness Lewis Groten, a portly man of middling ambition and excessive millinery, was arrested late Secondnight after
🎈 From Gust to Glory: Royal Air Balloon Corps Ascends
By Ameline Drover, Aeronautics Editor In a ceremony marked by slow ascension, considerable bunting, and the cautious release of seven pigeons, His Majesty King Edmund formally commissioned the Eyehasseen Air
🐕 Postal Workers Under Siege: Feral Dogs to Blame
By Elwin Tarmouth, Field Correspondent A recent surge in feral dog incidents has cast a shadow over the otherwise dignified operations of the Office of Postal Affairs, as several postaliers
Latest Feature Stories
🍲 RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Rootstew RoyaleAs served at the Abbey of St. Brigid on Fourthday feasts and festival mornings Ingredients: Instructions: Optional: Garnish with a single herb
Ministry Report: Resource Prioritization Releases “List of Things We Cannot Afford”
By Roderick Tharn, Chief Correspondent for State Affairs The Ministry of Resource Prioritization has once again released its quarterly document titled “List of Things We Cannot Afford”, a tradition that
📜 Historical Feature: The Great Pyrotechnic Misjudgment of 961
By Roderick Tharn, Chief Correspondent for State Affairs It was meant to be the most glorious midsummer celebration the Kingdom of Eyehasseen had ever seen. It was to rival coronations.
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Help Wanted
Census Scribes Needed
Ministry of the Populi seeks individuals with legible handwriting and a strong tolerance for the confused. Inquire at the green side door, Census Hall.
Leaf Sorter
Seasonal work in Larkvale Parish Grounds. Must distinguish between leaves, litter, and love notes. Apply on site.
Door Greeter
Ministry of Mild Interference. Duties unclear. Smile optional. Ask for Form 7A at Reception (if they let you).
Classifieds – Goods and Services
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FOR SALE:
Sturdy wardrobe (cedar-lined), growls only on humid days. Two doors, no mirror, possibly noble. See Gilda at Stall 9, Eastgate Market.
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FOR TRADE:
One mildly haunted mirror for a cheerful set of curtains (thick, non-judgmental). Ask for Tamsin at the Larkvale Crossroads Inn.
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WANTED:
Explanation of recurring dream involving soup, church bells, and a man named Clifton. Contact Miss Thernley via Box 6, Hollowpine Post.
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MISSING:
Wicker basket with four apples and one audacious frog (responds to “Tupper”). If found, leave at steps of Brindlewood Chapel.
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SEND SASE TO:
Mister Droll, Box 14, Dunharrow Post. Instructions will follow. Tell no one.
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WANTED:
Someone to retrieve a book from the top shelf without reading it. Discretion required. Apply in person to Desk 4, Lower Stacks, Hermitage Library.
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FOR SALE:
Sturdy wardrobe (cedar-lined), growls only on humid days. Two doors, no mirror, possibly noble. See Gilda at Stall 9, Eastgate Market.
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FOR SALE:
Assorted left shoes (7 total), good condition, lightly used. Contact Remie Joll at #4 Drayfoot Lane, Inverness.
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ANNOUNCEMENT:
Forming conversational society for thoughtful staring. Gatherings on Tuesdays by the third puddle west of the Archive steps. Bring tea.
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FREE TO GOOD HOME:
A boxed set of enchanted teacups (occasional whispering, rarely bite). Inquire at Mrs. Balling’s Window, Broadmead Green.
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FOR SALE:
Ornamental weather vane shaped like a smug owl. Points east. Always east. Possibly cursed. Contact Dreg Soller, Cobbler’s Yard, Dunharrow.
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FRESH CHEESE WEEKLY – GOAT OR COW
Wrapped in cloth, salted right. Come early for the soft round. 5 silver each. Sold behind the shrine steps, Sundays only.
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LOOKING TO TRADE – COPPER KETTLE FOR CHEESE PRESS
No dings, no rust. Press must be sound. Might consider butter churn. See Ernald, far side of market square, yellow cloak.
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SEND SASE FOR “52 BREAD RECIPES FOR A FRUGAL TABLE”
Hard times or just bored of rye? Old Aunt Nell’s booklet will warm your hearth. Write: Box 11, Mosswood Fork. Enclose 3 pence for postage.
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BUYING CLEAN FEATHERS – GOOSE OR DUCK
Paying 2 copper per handful. Needed for bedding and quills. No lice, no mess. Deliver to Darnell’s Dry Store before sunset.
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CLOTHES MENDING DONE CHEAP
Tears, buttons, cuffs and hems. I don’t ask where the hole came from. Stitching clean. Drop bundle in the green box by the chapel steps.
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TINSMITH REPAIRS – POTS, LANTERNS, TOY WHISTLES
If it’s dented, I can fix it. If it leaks, I can plug it. Located beside the cooper’s yard. Fair rates. Name’s Will.
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LOST – LEATHER SATCHEL NEAR EAST WOOD
Contains ledger book, parcel string, and mother’s comb. Honest return earns reward, no questions. Leave with mill clerk.
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HENHOUSE FOR SALE – STURDY, DRY, RATPROOF
Built last year. Roof tarred. Room for a dozen hens and one proud rooster. Buyer hauls. 6 crowns or best offer.
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HOMEMADE PICKLES – CUCUMBER, BEET, OR ONION
Old family brine, no nonsense. Sold in crocks or wrapped in wax. 4 silver for three. Ask for Gilda at the brewer’s back gate.
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SEEKING GOOD MULE – SURE-FOOTED & SOUND
Must carry lumber without fuss and mind his manners. No balkers. Ready silver for the right beast. Send word to Edrin, Blackwood Trail Camp.
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KNIVES SHARPENED WHILE YOU WAIT
Whetstone, oil, and care. Tools, shears, cleavers welcome. Stall near well square, Tuesdays and Fridays. Bring a smile, leave with an edge.
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BASKET-MAKER ACCEPTING COMMISSIONS
Laundry, gathering, fishing, and cradle sizes. Orders filled within a fortnight. Visit the Red Barn, second door, knock twice and wait.
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LOOKING TO BUY – GOOD CIDER BARRELS
Cooper must guarantee no leaks, no rot. Will pick up. Fair price. Write to M. Keene, Box 12, Lower Vine Ward.
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CLOTH FOR SALE – LINEN, WOOL, HOMESPUN
Bales in gray, brown, and pale blue. Woven by hand, not churned by machines. Discounts for bulk. Held at market stall by the west fountain, market days only.
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FIREWOOD – DRY, STACKED, READY
Oak and ash. Split last spring. Delivery available within town walls. 1 crown per cart. Ask for Anselm at the tavern porch, dusk.
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WHEELWRIGHT SERVICES OFFERED
Wobbly carts? Noisy wagons? Get your wheels trued before winter. Honest work, half payment up front. Leave note at the Crossroads Post.
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LEATHERWORK REPAIRS – SADDLES, BELTS, BOOTS
Ten years with the Tanner’s Guild. Prices fair, turnarounds quick. Located behind the smokehouse, look for green awning. Name’s Cal.
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APPLES – FALL CROP, PICKED YESTERDAY
Tart for cider, sweet for pies. 2 pence a basket. Bring your own sack. Sold from wagon behind the chapel at sundown.
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SEEKING BOARDER – ROOM ABOVE STABLE
Clean hay, shuttered window, cot and chest provided. One meal daily if you’re friendly to animals. 2 crowns a week. See Hobb at Eastgate Livery.
Featured Obituaries
⚰️ OBITUARIES
🕯️ Sir Thomlin Everdare of Glenvales Knight of the Order of the Bannered Spoon,Archivist Emeritus of the Grand Ledger,Occasional Harpsichordist Sir Thomlin Everdare passed peacefully on Firstday morning at the age of 87, surrounded by his six surviving ledgers and a bewildered marmot he’d named “Chairman.” Known throughout the Kingdom
Editorials
✍️ Editorial: The Problem with Peacetime
By Theophilus Gant, Editorialist Emeritus There are few things more suspicious than the quiet hum of peace. Oh yes, I know what the scrolls say — “Peace is the fruit of wisdom,” and “Make not war where one may make bread,” and other such well-meaning rhubarberies. But I’ve lived through enough peacetimes to know the truth: they’re breeding grounds for bureaucratic fidgeting, legislative overreach, and sudden, deeply unnecessary changes to street signage. Take the recent proclamation from the Ministry of Paving and Nomenclature: starting next month, all roads in Inverness formerly named after “battlefield heroes” shall be re-designated after “locally
✍️ Signage Creep and the Decline of Thoughtful Wandering
By Henry Grant I took a walk this morning — a rare and noble act, I might add, for a man whose knees sound like poorly tuned zithers — and what should I find upon the first corner but a new sign. And not just any sign, mind you. This one read: “Do Not Linger in a Manner That Suggests Lingering.” Naturally, I lingered. Not out of rebellion, but from sheer bewilderment. For some months now, the Kingdom has suffered from an outbreak of signage creep — an affliction wherein every post, gate, and moderately vertical goat is hung with
On the Noble Art of Standing in Line and Getting Absolutely Nowhere
By Theophilus Gant, Editorialist Emeritus There was a time — not so long ago, mind you — when queuing was a silent ballet of civility. One stood, one waited, one moved forward when moved upon. That was the way of things. One did not question the queue. One respected it, as one respects fog, tax collectors, and vengeful cousins. But lately, I fear the very soul of the queue is under threat. Take yesterday’s debacle outside the post office. Two lines formed simultaneously, each claiming to be the queue. A heated debate ensued. One woman refused to stand in either
Crime & Law
🚓 ROYAL CONSTABULARY BLOTTER
Extracts from the weekly Constabulary Scrolls
- A silver bell was stolen, then returned anonymously with a note that read: “Not as magical as hoped.”
Investigation closed. - A gentleman in Inverness reported a marmot impersonating a solicitor.
False alarm. Marmot was merely observant. - The South Bell Ringing Society filed a noise complaint against the North Bell Ringing Society.
Mediated by the Middle Bell Ringing Society. Agreement reached over scones. - Several garden gnomes in the district of Shallow Wimple were found rearranged to spell “SORRY.”
No crime committed. Spirit of apology appreciated. - A stolen wheelbarrow was recovered outside the bakery, filled with warm rolls.
Owner declined to press charges. Called it “a net positive.”
⚖️ JUSTICE LEDGER
Rulings and fines issued this week by the Court of Gentle Correction
- Miss P. Thimbleton – Fined 1 aureal for unlicensed public hymn whistling
- Mr. Groff Widders – Ordered to repaint fence after attempting “experimental plaid” finish
- Dame Celia Wraw – Pardoned for overuse of floral metaphors in legal correspondence
- J. Dapplehorse – Cautioned for riding his bicycle through the whispering zone
- The Hon. F. Ludgins – Admonished for describing bunting as “pointless triangles”
- Unnamed Youth – Fined for selling “certified relics” made of toast
- Mr. L. Groten – Remanded for false report; ordered to take a civics class taught by marmots
- B. Nibbs – Required to remove wind chimes that played “O Fortuna” at full volume
- Mrs. Gartrude Flanch – Officially warned for brewing unofficial cider
- Two goats – Confiscated from theatre after repeated heckling of Hamlet production
- R. Bumbersquint – Citation for excessive curtsy during minor ceremony
- Constable M. Doon – Apologized for overzealous parade whistle usage
- L. Pritchett – Cautioned for describing Queen’s Punt as “tippy” in public
- T. & J. Sligg – Required to take a flag-folding course after chaotic banner retrieval
- Vicar Blorne – Issued written reminder that “Incense is not a smoke alarm”
- Gerald of the Post – Given a commendation for enduring four barking incidents and a rooster
- M. Featherstone – Pardoned after “accidental hedging into neighbor’s prize lettuce”
- E. Spindlehook – Citation for establishing a one-man footpath tollbooth
- N. Quilt – Required to label herbs accurately after “surprise parsley incident”
- Unknown individual – Reward offered for safe return of Council’s ceremonial shoehorn
📜 ORDINANCE OF THE WEEK
Ordinance 119-C: The Proper Folding and Deployment of Bunting in Public Squares
Passed unanimously by the Ministry of the Populi in Year 980 following a regrettable bunting tangle during the Feast of St. Ulric, Ordinance 119-C lays out the legal expectations for bunting behavior in shared civic spaces.
Key Provisions:
- Bunting shall be triangular in nature, unless festival-specific geometry is approved.
- No single strand of bunting may exceed 33 cubits without structural reinforcement or whimsical purpose.
- Entanglements resulting in civic delay shall incur a 1 aureal fine and mild public chiding.
- Improvised bunting using undergarments, tax forms, or dried meats is strictly prohibited.
The ordinance concludes with this note of clarification:
“Bunting shall be festive, not threatening. It is a gesture, not a net.”
If you have a passion for writing, we want you...
Do you possess a sharp quill, a curious heart, and boots that can survive at least one minor explosion? Then The Times-Observer wants you.
We’re looking for Kingdom-roaming truth-seekers, late-night scribblers, and the kind of chroniclers who aren’t afraid to chase rumors through foggy glens, court chambers, haunted bakeries, or the occasional rogue festival. Whether it’s interviewing a sheep suspected of espionage, investigating runaway bureaucracy, or documenting a brawl over bunting, you’ll be on the front lines of the Realm’s most riveting stories.
No experience necessary — just a passion for the absurdly true, the truthfully absurd, and everything in between.
In return, we offer notoriety, infamy, light editorial harassment, and the satisfaction of seeing your name printed just above a sarcastic correction notice.
Sound like your kind of adventure? Then pick up your pen, dust off your boots, and come tell the Kingdom what it needs to know — even if it didn’t ask.
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