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The Theatre of Lanterns
This is the Theatre of Lanterns, the oldest performing house in the Kingdom, and certainly the strangest. Some call it haunted. Some call it blessed. All agree it is unlike anything else in Eyehasseen.
Whispers Beneath the Fen
The Elderfen Marshes have always carried a reputation for secrets. The reeds whisper even when there is no wind, the water moves even when nothing disturbs it, and the fog lingers long after sunrise as if reluctant to surrender whatever it hides
Walking the Spine: Across the Mountains of Tarnfell
The Spine of Tarnfell is not a path; it is a test. A narrow ribbon of ancient stone walks the clouds, winding across jagged peaks and wind-carved ridges where the sky feels close enough to touch and the earth feels a lifetime away. Travelers say the Spine is where the Kingdom stands tallest and where men discover whether they, too, can stand tall.
Knight-Helmet Neck
A surprising new health concern has emerged in the wake of a social trend among the Kingdom’s youth: Knight-Helmet Neck. The condition is exactly what it sounds like — neck strain caused by wearing heavy, borrowed helmets intended for trained knights, not enthusiastic adolescents.
Excessive Map-Consultation Squint
by Health and Fitness Staff Since unveiling the Kingdom’s latest official map — a beautifully detailed, finely inked rendering of Eyehasseen and its twelve provinces — opticians across the realm
Perpetual Picnic Cramp
A surprisingly persistent summertime ailment has spread across the Kingdom: Perpetual Picnic Cramp, a condition caused not by food poisoning or heat exposure but by the simple act of sitting for hours on blankets while consuming heroic quantities of cured meats and cheeses.
🪵 Help Wanted – Third Week of Newlight
Employment opportunities abound across the Kingdom of Eyehasseen. Apply in person unless otherwise noted. References from reputable citizens preferred.
🪵 Help Wanted – Second Week of Newlight
The frost is gone, the rivers run, and citizens again remember the discomforts of honest labor. All applicants must bring their own boots and a working sense of direction. 1. Riverbank Stabilizer Rebuild the banks of the River Aram after winter erosion. Preference given to those unafraid of mud, leeches, or sudden philosophical thoughts about the flow of time.Apply: Department of Civic Engineering, Floodgate Office, bell nine sharp. 2. Bridge Trumpeter (Seasonal Return) Announce the arrival of barges and important
🪵 Help Wanted – First Week of Newlight
Employment opportunities abound across the Kingdom of Eyehasseen. Apply in person unless otherwise noted. References from reputable citizens preferred.
Obituary: Rodger Bianchovi, 57
Former acquaintances recall him chiefly for his passionate advocacy of self-interest, his loathing of soap, and his ability to turn any gathering into an argument about “energy frequencies.” He was, for a brief and bewildering time, employed as a part-time poetry instructor at the Inverness Community Annex, from which he was dismissed after insisting students “write only in the key of Aquarius.”
EYE ON AMERICA
Every violent death is, in principle, avoidable. That simple truth ought to steady us whenever tragedy intrudes upon the public square. Death always leaves behind a circle of grief, for family, friends, and those bound by love or duty, and it is fitting, even obligatory, to express condolences for the loss of life and for the sorrow of those who mourn.
EYE ON AMERICA
Once again, the United States commits itself to sustaining a proxy war in Ukraine, pouring arms, intelligence, and cash into a conflict with no clear end and no serious public accounting of what “victory” even means. Once again, it offers unconditional backing to Israel as civilian casualties mount to levels that would provoke outrage—sanctions, even—if inflicted by any officially disfavored state.
EYE ON AMERICA
The Vanishing Art of Self-Respect Imagine living in a country where one feels compelled to wear their jammies and slippers in public. That, apparently, is where America now finds itself—so much so that the U.S. Transportation Secretary has publicly pleaded with travelers to stop shuffling into airports dressed for naptime. In any other era, this would be satire. In modern America, it is a press statement. There is something strangely revealing about this moment. Not because pajamas are inherently wicked, and not because one should dress like a diplomat to endure airport security—but because it speaks to a deeper cultural
