Help Wanted

Needed for upcoming Procession of Moderate Merriment. Must be able to stand still, look humble, and not unravel. Banners may be heavy. Compensation offered in jam tickets.Continue Reading

Part-time. Duties include maintaining a pleasant audio presence among the tombstones. Must be comfortable alone, but not too alone. Applicants subject to dusk trial.Continue Reading

Sandwiches arrive 90% complete. You apply final slice, optional pickle, and moral closure. Must work quickly, neatly, and without judgment. Apron provided. Free meal per shift.Continue Reading

Voice must carry. Messages not always thrilling. Must refrain from embellishment unless instructed by the Ministry of Public Enthusiasm. Bell provided. Auditions held behind the bakery at first light.Continue Reading

Seeking quiet individual with steady hand and an ability to ignore noises in the walls. Torch skills a plus. Must sign the Long Ledger. Includes pension and strange dreams.Continue Reading

Duties include gentle egg rotation, seasonal nest fluffing, and morale maintenance among nesting fowl. Must speak softly and wear wool. Preference given to applicants with low centre of gravity.Continue Reading

Must not fear the dark or resent walking. Ability to hum quietly preferred. Uniform and pole provided. Apply with reference from a previous evening position, or trustworthy demeanor.Continue Reading