By Staff Writer
INVERNESS — In what officials hailed as “a bold step toward confronting challenges that may or may not exist,” the Royal Government this week formally inaugurated the Bureau of Imaginary Problems, a new agency tasked with investigating, documenting, and managing issues of a purely theoretical nature.
The Bureau, created by Royal Order No. 14,337-B, is charged with “providing the appearance of meaningful action in circumstances where none is required.” It will operate under the Ministry of Administrative Affairs, which has assured Parliament that the Bureau’s budget “shall be as fluid and undefined as its mission.”
Mandate and Vision
According to its founding charter, the Bureau’s primary purpose is to “study the causes, consequences, and conversational value of all manner of phantom crises, speculative dilemmas, and hypothetical emergencies.” In short, if a problem cannot be proven to exist, the Bureau will be responsible for it.
Sir Ambrose Pennyworth, recently appointed as the Bureau’s first Commissioner, addressed the press in a dignified but slightly bewildered tone.
“The Bureau shall bring order to uncertainty,” Sir Ambrose declared. “We will ensure that the Kingdom remains fully prepared for every conceivable impossibility.”
Initial Divisions Announced
The Bureau will launch with several experimental divisions, each to be staffed with suitably confused experts:
- Division of Climate Change and Seasonal Mood Adjustments – To monitor fluctuations in the weather’s temperament and issue monthly recommendations for public worry levels.
- Office of Phantom Menaces and Unconfirmed Rumours – Dedicated to cataloguing threats reported by persons of imagination, hearsay, or recurring dreams.
- Department of Future Pasts – Charged with reconciling discrepancies between what might have happened and what should not have.
- Directorate of Existential Paperwork – Responsible for producing forms to justify the continued existence of other forms.
- Commission for Unmeasurable Inequalities – Tasked with ensuring that everyone feels equally aggrieved, regardless of circumstance.
- Centre for Unexplained Noises – Investigating all reports of rattles, thuds, bumps, and whispers within government buildings, particularly after hours.
- Advisory Council on Things That Look Suspicious But Probably Aren’t – To advise the Constabulary on situations that feel dramatic but remain disappointingly mundane.
- Agency for Interpersonal Misunderstandings – To mediate quarrels that begin with the phrase “That’s not what I meant.”
Operational Plans
Headquarters will occupy the former Ministry of Road Gravel’s premises on Pelican Street, chosen for its lack of windows and surplus of filing cabinets. The Bureau’s crest, unveiled at a modest ceremony, depicts a man chasing his own hat in a high wind beneath the motto “Pro Forma, Ad Nauseam.”
Officials confirmed that the Bureau will immediately commence a Five-Year Plan for Indeterminate Progress, which aims to produce “tangible outcomes in the realm of intangible phenomena.” Monthly progress will be tracked through the innovative Imaginary Key Performance Indicator System (IKPIS), though no one yet knows how to calculate it.
Public Reaction
Reaction from the citizenry has been predictably mixed. Supporters say the Bureau will “bring much-needed coherence to the Kingdom’s confusion,” while critics call it “a triumph of paper over sense.”
Still, early applicants have already begun queuing at the Palace Registry, with one enthusiastic candidate remarking, “I’ve been solving imaginary problems for years; it’s about time I was paid for it.”
For his part, Commissioner Pennyworth remains optimistic.
“There are no limits to the problems we cannot solve,” he said, straightening a stack of blank reports. “Our success will be immeasurable, possibly invisible, but certainly inevitable.”