Whereas, the growing pigeon population of Inverness and its environs has demonstrated a flagrant disregard for architectural hygiene;
And Whereas, public statues and monuments are entitled to a reasonable measure of respect;
Be it enacted that:
1. Identification.
All pigeons frequenting government buildings shall be issued numbered identification bands bearing the Royal Crest and the motto “Dignitas ex Droppings.”
2. Conduct.
Any pigeon found loitering upon statuary, gargoyles, or flagpoles shall be subject to gentle relocation and moral instruction by the Ministry of Clean Surfaces.
3. Enforcement.
The Constabulary’s Ornithological Unit shall patrol government squares and fountains, armed with seed-based deterrents and polite warnings.
4. Training and Rehabilitation.
Persistent offenders shall be enrolled in the Pigeon Retraining Initiative, where they will learn alternative pastimes such as synchronized perching and community gardening.
5. Reporting.
Quarterly reports of avian compliance shall be submitted to the Royal Council, though no one expects them to be read.