Inverness, Greengilt – A recent and wholly unexpected spike in mushroom-related injuries has left local healers alarmed, foragers wary, and one elderly librarian slightly glowing.
Over the last ten days, the Royal Infirmary has treated no fewer than seventeen patients for ailments ranging from minor hallucinations to sudden elbow inflation. All cases have been linked to the ingestion, handling, or pointed conversation about certain wild mushrooms collected during the Greengilt Thaw Foraging Festival, which concluded last week with record attendance and only two arrests.
The mushrooms in question — colloquially known as “greenglows,” “snore caps,” or “Father Wiggle’s Remedy” — were widely assumed to be edible. “I boiled them. I sang to them. I even thanked them,” said Edrin Moll, a self-proclaimed herbalist and part-time cobbler, now recovering after claiming to hear “moss speaking Latin.”
The Ministry of Natural Inquiry has launched a formal review, led by junior mycologist Pevril Dagg. “We believe a new strain may have emerged,” said Dagg, examining a glistening cap through thick spectacles. “Or someone’s been crossbreeding funghi again, which is strictly discouraged ever since the Screaming Puffball Incident of 1011.”
Local foragers insist they’ve done nothing of the sort. “It’s the season,” said Tilda Fross, who runs the Dunharrow Fungus Club. “The earth gets lively this time of year. Some years she gives you truffles. Some years she gives you a talking rash.”
Meanwhile, the Healers’ Guild has issued a temporary Foraging Caution Scroll, advising citizens not to eat mushrooms they cannot personally name, speak to kindly, and prepare using at least three sources of heat.
The scroll concludes: “When in doubt, ask a healer. Or simply don’t. Eat. Mushrooms.”
The Royal Infirmary reports all patients are recovering well, though one still insists he briefly became a sparrow. When asked if the symptoms are likely to persist, Healer Rusk simply replied: “That depends whether he keeps nesting in the rafters.”