After six years of deliberation, four feasibility scrolls, three cartographic disputes, and one extremely minor sword duel, the long-awaited East Paddock Paving Initiative officially began this week.
It lasted six hours.
At approximately Thirdday, midday, members of the Ministry of Public Works triumphantly unrolled the first stretch of cobblestone along the frequently impassable East Paddock path — only for the entire section to vanish under a rising deluge brought on by this week’s sog-optimistic drizzle. By early evening, the newly laid road resembled “a particularly expensive creek,” according to one unimpressed pony cart driver.
Ministry Overseer Jarn Fottle, standing beneath a series of umbrellas layered like a defensive pastry, assured the press: “This was, technically, a controlled hydrological response test.”
Locals disagreed.
“We told them it floods,” said Nora Quill, who’s lived along East Paddock for three decades. “That’s what East Paddock does. It puddles. It flows. You build a road there, and it just politely returns to its natural state. It’s like trying to wallpaper a river.”
The paving stones, sourced from the Quarry of Moderate Grievance, are reportedly still in place beneath the water — though now decorated with several floating traffic cones, two of which have drifted into a duck pond.
The Ministry issued a formal statement late Fourthday stating that “immediate evaluation is underway” and that future paving efforts may be redirected to “less amphibious terrain.” Meanwhile, a temporary footbridge has been installed — consisting of three milk crates and a cautionary plank.
Funding for the project came from the Royal Fund for Infrastructure Modernization and Select Festival Seating. Whether additional funds will be allocated is unknown, though one council member was overheard muttering something about “just paving the whole kingdom with stilts.”
No injuries were reported, unless one counts the dignity of the gentleman who attempted to bless the stones as they vanished beneath his boots.