By Roderick Tharn, Chief Correspondent for State Affairs
After days on the run, the infamous Laura Groobee—disgraced self-styled journalist and part-time Pilates instructor of no known talent—was apprehended this morning by the Royal Constabulary in what witnesses are already calling “the sweatiest standoff in recent memory.”
Groobee was discovered holed up in her defunct yoga studio, Breathe Through the Betrayal, located just south of the Eastgate marketplace. The studio had been shuttered for months due to “a total lack of flexibility, both literal and financial,” but Groobee had apparently returned to the scene of her mediocrity to evade capture.
She was found in a most unflattering state—grubby, disheveled, and, according to arresting officers, “smelling like week-old despair steeped in patchouli.” Dressed in ill-fitting leggings and a slogan tee that read “Core Before Crown,” Groobee reportedly refused to surrender until Constable Harbin offered her a stale oat biscuit and the promise of a clean cell.
“It was either that or the mop bucket,” said Harbin. “Honestly, we weren’t sure which she preferred.”
📋 The Charges
The arrest follows last week’s dramatic escape from the Ministry of the Populi, where Groobee was caught attempting to infiltrate a high-security meeting, presumably to pilfer confidential state materials and funnel them to notorious pamphleteer and sworn enemy of the Crown, Heleny Moteck.
Groobee has been formally charged with:
- Unauthorized entry into a restricted government chamber
- Espionage with intent to undermine national stability
- Conspiracy to distribute classified materials
- Unlicensed instruction of yoga poses deemed “questionable at best”
- Treason against the Kingdom of Eyehasseen
Following her arrest, Groobee was booked at the Eyehasstown Constabulary Headquarters and transferred under guard to Eyehasseen Royal Prison, where she now resides in Cell 7B, opposite the storeroom and within whiffing distance of the laundry fires.
“She looked surprised that anyone remembered her,” said Warden Lixby. “Then she asked if there’d be herbal tea. There won’t be.”
⚖️ A Trial on the Horizon
Sources within the Ministry of Justice confirm that preparations are already underway for what may be one of the most high-profile trials in decades. Legal scholars are reviewing ancient treason precedents, including the infamous case of Percival Thatch and the Stolen Census Forms of 642.
While public opinion remains divided—half the town is said to be delighted she’s finally behind bars, the other half is relieved she won’t be teaching Pilates again—Groobee herself remains largely unrepentant. When asked by a guard if she regretted anything, she reportedly replied: “Yes. Starting the 7-day Juice Cleanse without an exit strategy.”
🔒 Cell 7B
Groobee’s current accommodations are sparse but adequate: straw mattress, iron bars, one small window facing a wall, and a copy of “Meditations for the Treacherous Spirit.” Her quill and journal have been confiscated pending review by the Office of Censorship and Scribal Integrity.
She is allowed one hour of outdoor exercise daily, though reports suggest she spends it muttering stretches to herself and attempting to rally the prison crows.
👀 Public Reaction
So far, the Ministry of the Populi has declined to comment directly, though one official, speaking on condition of anonymity, noted, “She really ought to consider proper employment. There’s a lovely opening for stable cleaner in Eastgate.”
Meanwhile, the Times Observer has received a small flood of letters, ranging from congratulatory notes to unsolicited defense theories involving mirror operatives, forged pastries, and a long-lost twin named “Sharla.”
🗓️ What’s Next?
The trial date is expected to be announced within the week. Until then, Groobee remains under lock and key, her mat confiscated, her Pilates posters torn down, and her dreams of espionage glory somewhat flattened.
More updates to follow as the court prepares for what may be the most breathlessly awaited legal drama since the Great Library Scribbler Libel Case of 973.