By Roderick Tharn, Chief Correspondent for State Affairs
In a scene best described as olfactory warfare, a sanitary wagon belonging to the Ministry of Public Cleanliness exploded just north of Eastgate Market early Wednesday morning, launching a tremendous arc of refuse, soot, compostable confusion, and what several witnesses described as “a flying boot full of something unprintable” across an area spanning nearly three city blocks.
The incident occurred at approximately 6:43 a.m., as traders began setting up stalls for the midweek market. The wagon, operated by sanitation officer Wibson Trow, had reportedly just completed its first circuit of the town’s eastern wards and was en route to the municipal waste fire pit when it abruptly detonated in a spectacular fashion.
“I’d just unrolled my canvas when I heard this awful whining hiss,” said Gretta Mulbin, a local beet seller. “Next thing I knew, I was wearing what I believe was someone’s Tuesday stew.”
Witnesses describe a dull pop followed by a tremendous thoom, a blast of heat, and an airborne kaleidoscope of shattered barrel wood, burned compost sacks, and semi-recognizable household leavings.
Trow, miraculously, survived the blast, though he was reportedly flung several feet and landed in an open rain barrel. Dazed but conscious, he was last seen muttering, “It wasn’t meant to end this way… not on a Wednesday,” before being escorted to the infirmary.
🚨 Immediate Response
Emergency response crews from the Ministry of Sanitary Oversight were dispatched immediately, along with a large number of Royal Constabulary officers, some of whom were seen donning noseplugs and moleskin gloves.
“It is, without question, the worst thing I’ve ever smelled,” said Officer Marston of the Constabulary. “And I once patrolled the tannery district during a heat wave.”
Among the more unfortunate casualties of the blast were:
- Four market stalls, now considered uninhabitable due to “advanced seepage.”
- A passing chicken cart, overturned and now referred to as “compromised.”
- The upper half of a public noticeboard, which was found lodged in a laundry line two blocks east.
- One elderly gentleman’s wig, still missing as of press time.
🔎 Foul Play?
The Royal Constabulary has confirmed that foul play cannot be ruled out. Early theories included spontaneous combustion due to methane buildup, sabotage by disgruntled refuse workers, or perhaps a targeted attack against what some have called “the bloated bureaucracy of waste.”
“We are exploring all possibilities,” stated Chief Inspector Aldreth Somber. “Though frankly, nothing about this situation smells right.”
An explosive alchemy specialist from the Ministry of Materials has been called in to examine residue found near the cart’s undercarriage. Meanwhile, bystanders were encouraged to report any suspicious behavior, including but not limited to:
- Unusual interest in refuse routes
- Stockpiling of fishbones and rags
- Comments such as “We’ll see who takes out the trash now!”
Rumors are swirling that the incident may be tied to the growing tension between the Ministry of Public Cleanliness and the Union of Night Sweepers, who have long agitated for more stable hours, hazard bonuses, and boots that don’t melt in the rain.
A spokesperson for the Ministry denied any connection, stating, “Our employees may handle dangerous waste, but they do so with dignity. This is clearly the work of someone outside the barrel.”
🧼 Cleanup and Caution
By mid-afternoon, the site had been cordoned off and declared a “Biohazard of Exceptional Character.” A detour has been enacted around North Saddle Alley, with warnings posted in four languages and one picture of a very concerned-looking badger.
Cleanup crews wearing oilcloth suits and elaborate masks began the arduous work of scraping, scooping, and, in one case, apologizing to a local baker whose windows were blown inward by a flying chamber pot lid.
Local reaction ranged from outrage to reluctant amusement.
“Well, I wasn’t planning to eat breakfast anyway,” said Madam Joryn, who runs a hat stall two rows over. “But now I’ll be dreaming of cabbage for a month.”
The Office of Public Messaging issued a brief statement calling for calm and common sense. “We urge all citizens to avoid sensationalism and refrain from drawing their own conclusions until we have identified the source of the incident. Also, avoid the area. And burn your shoes.”
🕯️ Unofficial Memorial
A temporary shrine has emerged near the blast site, comprised of candles, flowers, and what may have once been a stuffed toy now partially obscured in marmalade. The incident has already been dubbed “The Great Bin Bang” by street urchins with an ear for branding.
At the Palace, when asked if the King would issue a statement, a courtier replied, “His Majesty is currently consulting with his stewards and bathing. Thoroughly.”
As for Officer Trow, he remains in stable condition and is expected to recover fully. Asked if he planned to return to duty, he reportedly replied, “Yes, but only if the wagon comes with armor.”
📣 Ongoing Investigation
The Royal Constabulary is encouraging anyone with information regarding the explosion to come forward. An anonymous tip box has been installed at the Eastgate guard post, though officials ask that notes be submitted without additional samples.
Further updates will follow as the investigation progresses. In the meantime, market-goers are advised to proceed with caution — and a handkerchief.