By Roderick Tharn, Investigations & Scandals Desk
A Kingdom-wide alert has been issued by the Constabulary following a brazen attempt by so-called “news reporter” and part-time, low-rated Pilates instructor Laura Groobee to infiltrate a closed session of the Ministry of the Populi. The meeting in question was a high-security planning session concerning census reforms, food distribution metrics, and—though redacted from the official summary—possibly the whereabouts of the King’s personal biscuit tin.
Miss Groobee, who is wanted for questioning, was observed by at least seven witnesses and one rather alert custodial rat attempting to slither under a velvet rope disguised as a Ministry intern. Her disguise reportedly included a tea-stained smock, a hastily stolen lanyard with the word “VISITOR” spelled incorrectly, and an expression of forced innocence that, according to one official, “could curdle fresh milk.”
Groobee is described as having a pudgy, pasty face, stringy brown hair usually in disarray, and a nervous habit of licking envelopes that aren’t hers. She stands approximately five-foot-six when not hunched over in furtive guilt. One guard described her as having “the look of someone who’s lost both a sense of direction and moral compass, possibly at the same time.”
Though not yet apprehended, Groobee is believed to have escaped via a coal chute into the alley behind the Ministry building, last seen sprinting eastward while dropping various crumpled papers and a suspiciously large sandwich. The Constabulary’s Watch-Command has issued an All Points Bulletin, and citizens are urged not to approach her, as she may be carrying a sharpened pencil and a grudge.
Security footage, such as it is (mainly from a caricaturist working nearby), places Groobee at the site between the hours of 10:00 and 10:37 yesterday morning. She was allegedly overheard muttering phrases such as “They’ll never see this scoop coming” and “If I can’t sell it to the Harbor Whistle, Heleny Moteck surely will.”
This last detail is of particular concern, as Heleny Moteck—a known propagandist, pamphlet publisher, and unrepentant breakfast cereal monopolist—has long been considered an enemy of the Kingdom. Moteck is believed to reside in the disputed border town of Grimwythe and has previously sponsored inflammatory crossword puzzles targeting the Crown.
Groobee’s connections to Moteck are as yet unproven but suspected. Intelligence analysts note that Groobee once attended a weeklong course in “strategic subversion through subpar journalism,” taught by a guest lecturer later identified as Moteck under a fake moustache.
Conviction for treasonous espionage within the Kingdom of Eyehasseen carries penalties up to and including public trial, exile, symbolic disrobing, and in certain cases, death by ceremonial shrugging (a punishment currently under judicial review).
The Ministry of the Populi has declined to comment directly, though one official, speaking on condition of anonymity, noted, “She really ought to consider proper employment. There’s a lovely opening for stable cleaner in Eastgate.”
The Constabulary asks all citizens to report any sightings of Miss Groobee immediately. She may be traveling under an assumed name such as “Nora Blimsey” or “Muckie.” Any relevant information should be sent to the Office of Public Safety (Box 9), or shouted clearly from a public square between the hours of 9 and 11.
Further updates as they come. Citizens are reminded: loose lips sink more than ships—they also upend entire Ministries.