From Mr. Rowan Bellamy, Goose Hollow
To the Esteemed People of Flagon Row, Tuppence Lane, and all lanes besides,
Allow me to announce my candidacy for the position of Village Manager for the coming season. I make no promises of glory, fanfare, or ornamental fountains—but I do make one ironclad vow: under my watch, the menace of penny farthing riders shall be rooted out like bindweed from a formal garden.
Our streets are not circuses. Our lives are not obstacles. The days of these so-called “free-wheelers” zigzagging through our quiet lanes like tipsy stiltsmen are numbered. I shall introduce the Grounded Wheels Act, requiring all bicycles to possess at least two equal-sized wheels and a rider with both eyebrows visible.
But my campaign is not merely anti-wobble. I believe in lantern inspections, postal punctuality, and the reintroduction of bench-side chess in the town square. I believe in quiet governance and firm shoes. And above all, I believe the Village Manager ought to walk among the people—not perch above them like a crow on a barrow.
Vote sensibly. Vote locally. Vote Bellamy—because I won’t be looking down on you.
Yours in civic steadiness,
Rowan Bellamy
Candidate for Village Manager, Goose Hollow District