Cedric Brumble – Found guilty of “Intentional Over-Chiming” of the community hour bell (17 rings instead of 12).
Sentence: Assigned to count rings for others during next five public ceremonies while wearing mittens.
Miss Tansy Fleet – Charged with “Possession of Excessively Contrived Metaphors” in a published letter to the editor.
Sentence: Must write her next three letters using only Anglo-Saxon monosyllables and submit to editorial review.
Hugh “Buttons” McCready – Apprehended for operating an unlicensed puppet show titled The King’s Secret Laundry.
Sentence: Granted provisional license following royal chuckle; must submit future scripts for “laundry neutrality.”
Wendy Gristle – Cautioned for “Willful Misinformation Regarding the Weather.” Claimed it would rain potatoes.
Sentence: Required to stand beside actual weather vane each morning and read the forecast aloud to chickens.
Percival Grubbs – Convicted of “Attempted Fence-Sitting Without Authorization” during a village council debate.
Sentence: Ordered to sit firmly on one side for the duration of all future meetings and wear a hat indicating his opinion.
Sister Philomena of the Quiet Path – Cited for “Excessive Ecclesiastical Glaring” during tea hour.
Sentence: Assigned one week of smiling at strangers, under supervision from the Abbey’s Committee on Facial Neutrality.
Leopold Thistlewick – Found guilty of “Impersonating a Chimney Sweep Without Soot Clearance.”
Sentence: Must attend soot safety seminar and clean five chimneys under the watchful eye of retired sweep Mr. Clag.
Mavis Pennytuft – Reprimanded for planting marjoram in the rosemary bed despite three posted signs.
Sentence: Directed to compose and recite a public apology in iambic pentameter at the next Gardeners’ Moot.
Norrick Finn – Accused of “Mumbling Enchantments Near the Market Scales.” No magic occurred, but suspicions raised.
Sentence: Fined two buns and one sincere explanation to the baker.
Beryl and Cyril Blott – Twins charged with “Intentional Mirror Mimicry” to confuse census taker.
Sentence: Must carry official badges reading “I Am Not Cyril” and “I Am Not Beryl” for six weeks.
Eustace Crimp – Convicted of “Spurious Umbrella Lending” (loaned item collapsed upon use).
Sentence: Community service mending umbrellas at the Lost & Damp Pavilion.
Constable Rigg (off-duty) – Fined for “Excessive Whistling in a Non-Designated Joy Zone.”
Sentence: Temporarily reassigned to the Department of Moderate Mirth.
Gerald Plint – Cited for “Improper Use of a Chamber Pot as a Musical Instrument.”
Sentence: Must donate instrument to the Folk Museum and take up the dulcimer.
Lottie Snaggletoe – Found guilty of “Dramatic Overreaction in a Mild Dispute About Jam.”
Sentence: Required to attend three sessions of the Emotional Temperance Circle.
Sir Ivor Goss – Charged with “Misapplication of Honourifics in Daily Conversation.” Called four people “Duke” and one “Spleen Admiral.”
Sentence: Must wear a badge reading “Still Learning Titles” and complete a Heraldic Refresher Course.
Bertie Pocks – Penalized for “Mysterious Humming in Confined Spaces.”
Sentence: Banned from tight corridors for one month and assigned to hum in open meadows.
Gilda Wren – Convicted of “Using Metaphors to Escape Responsibility.”
Sentence: Ordered to answer three direct questions each day, without allegory or symbolism.
Tobin Fletch – Arrested for “Reckless Pudding Delivery.” Dessert landed upside-down on vicar’s vestments.
Sentence: Pudding privileges revoked until Candlemas.
Florence Nibbs – Fined for “Inappropriate Shouting During the Quiet Game.”
Sentence: Must organize and enforce the next Quiet Game, complete with laminated rule sheet.
Master Tobias Root, age 10 – Found guilty of “Serial Sock Launching” during morning assembly.
Sentence: Assigned to the Sock Sorting Co-op for the rest of term. Smiled broadly at the verdict.