Inverness Division | Week Ending Fourthday, Late Rains Month
Unauthorized Scone Peddling
Location: Eastgate Market
Summary: One Phyllis Wintree, age 72, was cited for selling “unlicensed” scones from a fold-out table wedged between two turnip stalls. Her defense — “They’re just floury blessings” — was not accepted by the Market Oversight Board. Confiscated items include six trays of illicit baked goods and a suspiciously sharp jam knife. The jam, however, was excellent.
Livestock Impersonation (With Intent to Deceive)
Location: Brindlewood Trail
Summary: A cloaked figure was apprehended attempting to enter the Royal Hunting Grounds disguised as a deer. The costume included antlers, fur, and a small sign reading “Definitely a Deer.” When questioned, the suspect claimed it was “for research.” Charges pending. Costume held for evidence and possible dramatic reenactment.
Disturbance at the Hall of Beasts
Location: Royal Museum
Summary: A minor brawl erupted between two visitors who insisted the displayed wyvern skeleton was actually a swan. Shouting escalated into hat removal (a serious breach of protocol). One participant was ejected after attempting to bite a docent “to prove a point.” No injuries, but significant bruising to museum dignity.
Public Reprimand: Falsely Yelling ‘Barney’
Location: Shoreline of Loch Bairn
Summary: Constables issued a citation to a youth who repeatedly shouted “Barney sighting!” to stir panic among tourists. Resulting chaos led to one overturned soup cart, three lost walking sticks, and a spontaneous poetry reading by a man who misunderstood the situation. The boy has been assigned ten hours of monster-awareness community service.
Theft of an Invisible Candle
Location: The Invisible Candle Shoppe, Scragwood Lane
Summary: Shopkeeper claims a candle “went missing” during peak shopping hours, though was unable to verify its existence before or after. No suspects identified, though one customer reportedly smelled faintly of wick. Investigation ongoing, though Constable Marston notes, “This one’s a bit of a thinker.”