By Staff
INVERNESS — In a move that has left sceptics chuckling into their tea cups and bureaucrats polishing their monocles, the Royal Government has established the Climate Change Division, a cheeky new arm of the Bureau of Imaginary Problems, dedicated to countering the “preposterous notion” of man-made climate change.
Announced under Royal Order No. 14,337-B, this division falls under the newly minted Bureau, itself a beacon of administrative flair tasked with tackling issues that might not quite exist. The Climate Change Division, nestled within the Bureau of Imaginary Problems, promises to “restore sanity to the weather debate” with a budget as robust as a summer drizzle and a mission as clear as a foggy moor.
Mandate and Mirth
The Division’s charter boldly declares its intent to “investigate the jolly good fiction of human-induced climate shifts” and “provide the public with a stiff upper lip against eco-doom prophecies.” Sir Percival Wetherby, the Division’s newly appointed Chief Debunker, addressed the press with a wry smile and a raised eyebrow.“Quite frankly, my dears, we’re here to put the kibosh on this climate claptrap,” Sir Percival quipped. “We’ll ensure the Kingdom’s weather remains a divine mystery, not a human muddle, and we’ll do it with a spot of tea and a lot of common sense.”
Division Details
The Climate Change Division will kick off with a team of bemused experts ready to tackle the non-issue with gusto:
- Office of Seasonal Scepticism – To monitor weather patterns and issue quarterly reports proving they’re as natural as a rainy bank holiday.
- Bureau of Carbon Fables – Dedicated to debunking tales of CO2 villainy with a hearty laugh and historical weather logs.
- Institute of Clouded Judgments – Charged with clarifying that clouds, like opinions, are best left unlegislated.
- Directorate of Sunny Dispositions – To promote cheerful indifference to alleged global warming trends.
Operational Oddities
The Division will set up shop in the dimly lit back rooms of the old Pelican Street gravel depot, selected for its “charming lack of sunlight, much like the evidence for this climate rot.” Its emblem, unveiled with a polite snigger, features a sceptic waving a brolly at a storm cloud, paired with the motto “Rain or Shine, It’s Not Our Doing.”
A Three-Year Plan for Unnecessary Reassurance is underway, aiming to deliver “reassuringly negligible results” via the newly devised Sceptical Outcome Tracking System (SOTS), which Sir Percival admits “we’ll probably forget to measure, old chap.”
Public Response
The public’s reaction has been a blend of bemusement and applause. Proponents hail the Division as “a jolly good riposte to green hysteria,” while detractors mutter it’s “a waste of parchment.” Still, applications flood in, with one hopeful declaring, “I’ve been calling balderdash on climate claims for decades—finally, a paycheck!”
Sir Percival, adjusting his tweed waistcoat, remains undeterred. “We shall triumph over this imaginary tempest,” he said, “with nary a footprint to show for it—quite the Eyehasseen victory, wouldn’t you say?”