By Darsley Finn, Senior Reporter for Unpleasantness
Lewis Groten, a portly man of middling ambition and excessive millinery, was arrested late Secondnight after allegedly filing a false criminal complaint against a sitting minister of the Crown.
According to Constabulary reports, Groten entered the Inverness Watch Hall just after dusk, sweating profusely and accusing Minister Cedric Bytheway (Public Festivities & Observances) of orchestrating “a scheme involving falsified festival permits and weaponized bunting.” No such scheme exists, nor is there any ordinance concerning “explosive ribbons.”
Groten’s accusation unraveled under gentle questioning, with witnesses confirming he had earlier been refused a parade license for a “private pageant of grievance.”
“Lewis Groten has wasted constabulary time, endangered the dignity of a statesman, and made wild claims about bunting-based treason,” said Inspector Rillings. “We take that sort of thing very seriously.”
Groten is now being held at the Civic Rectitude Holding House, where he awaits charges for False Declaration, Ministerial Slander, and Excessive Swaggering in a Confined Space.
Minister Bytheway has declined to comment, save for this official statement:
“I have never used bunting as a weapon, and I resent the implication.”