From Miss Dora Felch, Inverness East District
To Whom It May Concern (and it should concern us all),
This letter is not penned lightly, nor without bruises. I write today to raise the alarm over the growing epidemic of penny farthing cycling upon the cobbled streets of Inverness. These contraptions—half-vehicle, half-vanity—are perilously tall, unpredictably steered, and entirely unsuited for any civilized thoroughfare.
Just last Fourthday, I was nearly upended outside the apothecary by a fellow shouting “Look out below!” as he teetered past like an unbalanced weathervane. A pie cart was overturned. A child screamed. A goose took flight.
These machines were never designed for daily transit. They are relics of an age when men wore goggles to prove they had no fear of death. Their riders, invariably, carry themselves with the smug indifference of those convinced gravity is for peasants.
I implore the Council: ban them, license them, or at the very least require their riders to issue some form of musical warning. If nothing is done, it will be only a matter of time before a bishop or baker is maimed.
In high dudgeon,
Miss Dora Felch