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Selected Fines, Fees, and Foibles – Week Ending Fourthday

  1. Tobin Mill – Fined 2 crowns for shouting “Fire!” in a bakery. There was no fire. There was, however, a very hot tart.
  2. Lady Gorbel – Fined 1 crown for insulting a constable’s boots. Boots were visibly offended.
  3. Finn Latchhook – Fined 6 crowns for public juggling without a Ministry-certified fruit license.
  4. Ivy Brammel – Fined 3 crowns for excessive broom sweeping at 3 a.m. Charged with “noisy cleanliness.”
  5. The Vicar of Drymere – Fined 4 crowns for unauthorized sermon length. Service reportedly lasted “nearly until Wednesday.”
  6. Gunter Peel – Fined 1 crown for baiting ducks with false hope.
  7. Quincy Dobb – Fined 7 crowns for operating a tavern quiz night without registered questions. Several disputes turned violent.
  8. Madam Vexlyn – Fined 2 crowns for overusing the town bell. Claimed she “liked the echo.”
  9. Apprentice Jarn – Fined 1 crown and 3 pebbles for whittling in a non-whittling zone.
  10. Unknown Individual – Fined 5 crowns posthumously after parchment note was found confessing to the Theft of a Mayor’s Muff.
  11. Simkin Roe – Fined 3 crowns for attempting to pay a tavern bill with “exposure.”
  12. Maftly Twins (joint) – Fined 5 crowns for a public debate staged entirely in semaphore. Blocked a main thoroughfare for forty minutes.
  13. Hestra Noll – Fined 2 crowns for excessive admiration of a lamppost. The lamppost has since requested privacy.
  14. Clerk Bromley – Fined 4 crowns for mislabeling 138 scrolls as “Urgent.” None were.
  15. Captain Uxbridge (ret.) – Fined 6 crowns for improper saber salute during bakery queue dispute. Frosting was flung.
  16. “Trevor” (no surname given) – Fined 1 crown for impersonating a statue. Remained motionless for 12 hours until pigeons gave him away.
  17. Mina Eltrix – Fined 3 crowns for transporting eels in an unlicensed sack. Claimed they were “just slippery beans.”
  18. Postmaster Dell – Fined 2 crowns for delivering the same letter to the same person 47 times. “It was a very well-written letter,” he said.
  19. Duggan Reed – Fined 5 crowns for whistling “The March of the Wretched” during a wedding. Claimed it was muscle memory.
  20. Unidentified Horse – Issued a warning (no fine) for blocking traffic outside the bakery. Owner not found; horse described as “judgmental.”