by Health and Fitness Staff
A surprisingly persistent summertime ailment has spread across the Kingdom: Perpetual Picnic Cramp, a condition caused not by food poisoning or heat exposure but by the simple act of sitting for hours on blankets while consuming heroic quantities of cured meats and cheeses.
The problem was first recognised during the long festival season, when families, guilds, and wandering minstrels took to the meadows with baskets, rugs, and enough provisions to feed a regiment. After several weekends, infirmaries began receiving patients walking stiffly, clutching their backs, or complaining their legs refused to “behave properly.”
“It’s the posture,” explained physiotherapist Wynforth Caddick. “People lounge on the ground for far too long, twisting at odd angles, turning their spines into decorative shapes. Add heavy food, sun, and prolonged conversation, and you have the perfect conditions for cramp.”
Most sufferers report a sudden seizing of the lower back or the upper thigh, typically when attempting to rise from a seated position. One man likened the experience to “being briefly welded to the earth.”
What accelerates the problem is the inability to stop eating. “When you’ve packed an entire wheel of cheese, you feel obligated to finish the thing,” said picnic enthusiast Mairead Stilling. “It’s wasteful otherwise.”
The Ministry of Health released a humorous but earnest advisory recommending the use of proper seating. “Chairs,” the document notes, “are remarkable inventions designed to support the human body in a manner superior to blankets spread across uneven ground.”
Manufacturers of folding chairs have seized the opportunity, offering new “picnic-grade seating,” though critics note the chairs appear indistinguishable from normal ones.
Some picnic purists object. “A true picnic happens on the ground,” insisted forester Jakob Brindell. “Chairs break the mood.” Brindell later admitted he experienced a mild leg cramp during the interview but refused to stand up.
Clinics have established simple treatment routines: stretching, short walks, and cutting back on “excessive cheese load.” Recovery is quick, though repeat picnickers often relapse.
Inverness parks now display signs reading: Rest. Stretch. Alternate Sitting Surfaces. Most citizens ignore them, preferring to lie dramatically across blankets as though posing for pastoral paintings.
The Ministry remains optimistic. “We do not seek to end picnicking,” said spokesperson Althea Trumbold. “We simply ask that people remember their bodies are not canvas sacks to be folded as they please.”