by Health and Fitness Staff
A surprising new health concern has emerged in the wake of a social trend among the Kingdom’s youth: Knight-Helmet Neck. The condition is exactly what it sounds like — neck strain caused by wearing heavy, borrowed helmets intended for trained knights, not enthusiastic adolescents.
The fad began innocently, when several young lads in Inverness started posting portrait sketches of themselves wearing full helmets. Within days, dozens were borrowing gear from relatives, neighbours, or poorly supervised armouries. Soon, entire groups wandered town squares with helmets several sizes too large.
The trouble: medieval helmets are heavy. Some weigh as much as a small hay bale. When worn without conditioning, they force the wearer to tilt forward like an uncertain duck.
“We’ve had an influx of teenagers complaining their heads feel ‘too heavy for life,’” said Dr. Rowan Haigh of the Royal Infirmary. “When questioned, they reluctantly admit they’ve spent three to five hours wandering around under eight pounds of steel.”
Orthopaedic specialists describe the posture as “heroic but foolish,” noting that the strain places unusual pressure on the neck muscles. “Knights train for years,” Dr. Haigh explained. “They develop the strength needed to carry armor that makes them look invincible. A fourteen-year-old baker’s son does not share that advantage.”
Parents have grown concerned. “My boy borrowed a helm from his uncle,” said mother Liza Merrow. “I found him trying to eat bread through the visor. It was tragic.”
Not all youths are deterred. One boy insisted his discomfort was “the price of glory,” adding that his companions “respected his aesthetic.” His head, noticeably tilted, gave a different impression.
The Ministry of Health has issued a formal notice advising citizens to avoid wearing armour recreationally. The advisory states, somewhat sternly: “Armour is not fashion. Armour is armour.”
The Order of the Golden Hart, one of the Kingdom’s most respected knightly formations, released a statement supporting the Ministry. “We commend the enthusiasm of the young,” wrote Sir Thaddeus Brook. “But armour is a tool of duty, not a costume. We train to bear its weight. We urge all citizens not to imitate our kit for leisure.”
Armourers have also raised concerns about damage to the equipment. “If another child drops a helmet on cobblestone, I shall retire,” said smith Aldric Munt. “These pieces take weeks to forge. They are not baubles.”
Treatment for Knight-Helmet Neck is simple but occasionally humiliating: rest, neck-strengthening exercises, and a temporary ban on “heroic postures.” Most sufferers recover quickly, though physiotherapists anticipate “seasonal recurrence whenever young people decide to look historical.”
The Ministry is preparing educational leaflets titled Your Head Is Not a Siege Weapon. Distribution begins next week.