Compiled from reports filed with the Royal Constabulary of Eyehasseen.
1. Unlicensed Aeronaut Apprehended
A self-styled “inventor” from the district of Northmere was detained after attempting to launch a homemade dirigible from his garden using stolen coal-gas cylinders. Neighbours reported a loud hiss and “a balloon the size of a cow” hovering perilously above the rooftops. The vessel’s ascent ended abruptly when a chimney punctured the fabric. The suspect, identified only as Mr. L., faces charges of reckless elevation, theft of municipal gas, and endangering poultry.
2. The Case of the Misplaced Bishop
An ecclesiastical panic erupted in Inverness when a wax likeness of the late Bishop Morley—part of a cathedral exhibit—was reported missing. It was later discovered sitting upright on a park bench with a pigeon on its shoulder and a newspaper in its lap. The statue had apparently been borrowed by local students conducting a “sociological experiment.” The culprits were warned and directed to scrub the cathedral steps as penance.
3. Alarm at the Ironworks
Constables were summoned to the Royal Foundry after midnight when workers reported “terrifying clanks and spectral hammering” from the disused west wing. Investigation revealed a night watchman had been operating a defective automaton to save himself the bother of rounds. The machine, built from scrap, had jammed in perpetual motion. The watchman was dismissed; the automaton was given a posthumous citation for diligence.
4. Bakery Siege Ends Peacefully
In the riverside quarter of Millgate, an irate customer barricaded himself inside a bakery, demanding “the return of his missing custard.” Negotiators eventually discovered that the alleged pastry in question had never existed. The man was gently removed and conveyed to St. Gertrude’s Infirmary for “confectionary confusion.” No pastries were harmed, though one éclair sustained minor pressure damage during the altercation.
5. Unauthorized Parade Causes Traffic Snarl
Dozens of residents of Lower Fen marched through town behind a brass band, claiming to celebrate “something they couldn’t quite remember.” The procession caused a three-hour blockage of the High Street tramway and one overturned cabbage cart. When questioned, the bandleader produced no permit but did offer “an excellent rendition of Rule Britannia.” The matter was settled with warnings, applause, and mild public dancing.