By Roderick Tharn, Chief Correspondent for State Affairs
The Ministry of Resource Prioritization has once again released its quarterly document titled “List of Things We Cannot Afford”, a tradition that began in 1003 as a parchment of caution and has since grown into a beloved and, some argue, increasingly theatrical spectacle.
The new edition, clocking in at 14 full pages, includes familiar denials such as “a second municipal fountain,” “gold trim for official boots,” and “a rotating cheese display for the Inverness Welcome Hall.” New this quarter: “a Ministry-wide umbrella consolidation program” and “replacement hinges for the Western Archive’s east-facing door (again).”
High Minister Folrick Bellum, appearing in his trademark no-nonsense cloak (rumored to be self-mended), explained the rationale behind the document during a half-attended press address:
“We must remember that the Kingdom’s purse is not infinite. It is, in fact, deeply finite. Alarmingly finite. Possibly inside out.”
When asked about the continued deferral of the Public Seating Expansion Initiative, Minister Bellum replied, “If one cannot stand for five minutes while eating a lukewarm meat pie, one must ask whether they truly deserve it.”
The Ministry was quick to highlight three items that did receive modest funding:
- Scroll Binding Twine, following a recent outbreak of loose documents.
- One (1) New Abacus, to replace the “deeply haunted” model in the East Room.
- Morale Biscuits, distributed monthly to clerks who correctly file Form 19-C without weeping.
Reaction among the public was, as usual, mixed.
“I understand budgets,” said beet vendor Callum Trist, “but how do we still not have a second bench at the north end of Market Street? I’ve seen people lean against the wall like tired ducks.”
Others were more philosophical. “If they ever approve everything,” said widow Margery Nill, “then we’ll know something’s gone terribly wrong.”
The Ministry’s official closing note reads, as it has for the past 12 years:
“Hope is not a line item. But we do keep a folder for it.”